Malled

Last weekend I went into unfriendly territory on a difficult mission; I went to the mall to get my watch battery replaced. When I was young, the mall and I were practically inseparable. I thought our love would stand the test of time and we’d be together forever. Sometime around my fortieth [...]

Shopping Spree

I help my wife with the grocery shopping approximately every eight or nine months. That’s about how long it takes her to forget what happened the last time I helped her.
When it comes to the weekly run to the Giganto-Mart, we have very different approaches. My wife likes to make a menu, prepare [...]

Memory Laps

I’m worried about my wife’s memory. Just last week she forgot a key ingredient for dinner.
I found her standing in the kitchen, staring into the pantry with a look of intense concentration; the kind of look you associate with a sage pondering the nature of the universe or someone trying to figure out how [...]

Pet Supplies

If I’m the master of my household pets, why was I the one standing in line at the pet supply superstore shepherding two carts through the check-out line? The answer is simple; I’m a pawn of the pet-tech-industrial complex.
In case you missed it, pet supplies have become big business in this country. The [...]

A Rebellious Nature

On the great feedlot of life, I’m just another barbecue-on-the-hoof, spending my life mooing and waiting the day they award me a gold watch and shoo me into the stunning pen. In terms of domestication, I’m at a ninety-two on a ten-point scale.
I realized the full extent of my tractability at the local Super-Ultra-Mega-Mart [...]