Bridegroom Boot Camp

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Listen up, maggots. You’re here because you’re going to get married soon and it’s my job to see that you do it right. There are plenty of things out there that can endanger a marriage; apathy, infidelity, the inability of the male to share the remote control. I only have a few weeks to teach you how to keep your marriage alive.

During this intensive course I will challenge your assumptions and teach you new skills. If you do not wash out, you will become husband material.

You will obtain and maintain gainful employment. You will listen to your wives.

Are you listening to me larvae?

As part of boot camp, you will overcome your most deeply ingrained instincts. That’s correct pupae. You will learn to ask for directions, follow them, and refrain from giving them unless required to do so by a superior spouse.

You will also learn to dance.

I’m not talking about that wild flailing which makes it appear that you are suffering a core meltdown in your nervous system or have mistakenly plugged your electric socks into a two-twenty outlet. That kind of “dancing” won’t win you any points in the marital harmony department.

Do not be afraid. Dancing will not make you less of a man. It will make you more of a man. Dancing is just like marching in rhythm; except you change direction more often.

You will also perform routine household maintenance tasks as required by your wife. To assist you, remember the following cadences:

I don’t know, but I’ve been told;
Month-old cheese is prone to mold.
If it’s fuzzy, it’s no good;
It’s a science project more than food.

I don’t know but it’s been said;
A spider’s only good when dead.
If you see one stamp it out;
With a vicious warrior’s shout!

If those are too complex for your little brains, tapeworms, just remember this; do what your wife tells you to do. This is especially true when it comes to putting things away.

You have heard that close counts in hand grenades? This is true. It is also true that dirty socks are not hand grenades. When you throw your socks at the hamper, you must hit the hamper. Socks left on the ground will not crawl into the hamper on their own no matter how dirty they are. Similarly, dirty dishes will not magically transport themselves from the kitchen sink to the inside of the dishwasher. Nor will the olives return themselves to the top shelf of the refrigerator. These things depend on you.

Do you intestinal parasites comprehend what I’m saying?

In the event that you opt to reproduce, you will find yourself in possession of one or more infants; designation BAB4-M (male) or BAB4-F (female). You will love and cherish these new recruits and you will embrace the opportunity to bond with your new child at one, two, two-thirty and three in the morning so your wife can get more sleep.

While the BAB4 series is well-designed, they have a tendency to leak under normal operating conditions. Additionally, the output of their digestive systems can be mildly toxic and has been known to clear a room. Your time in the gas chamber here at boot camp will teach you to withstand the odor when you take your turn at field-stripping your BAB4.

This is so simple that even a bunch of barnacles like you can understand it.

Before removing the diaper attempt to determine if the BAB4 has completed the discharge cycle. Normal care and cleaning will result in proper functioning of all parts of the BAB4. Do NOT use abrasive material to clean the BAB4. Prepare the work area with a fresh diaper (D1APR/C [cloth] or D1APR/D [disposable]), approved cleaning wipes (W1PE/S), and powder (TAL/C). Remove the old diaper. Special care should be taken with the BAB4-M model as it has been known to detonate unexpectedly when exposed to air.

Thoroughly clean the BAB4 of all digestive output, powder gently with the TAL/C, and apply the fresh D1APR/C or D1APR/D. With practice, you will be able to complete this maneuver in the dark in your sleep. This is a survival skill.

Finally, leeches, you will pay attention to what your wife says. You will know the names of her friends. For example, if you are told, “Charlene said something really funny at work today”, you will not respond with “Charlene? Isn’t she the one with the glass eye and the overbite?”

Instead, you will remember that Charlene is married to Herbert and they’ve been trying to start a family for the longest time and they’re getting depressed about not having children and they can’t adopt because Herbert is a mortgage banker and that’s considered a disreputable form of employment so they’re thinking about buying a puppy but can’t decide if they want a pug, a shih tzu, or a wolf-hound. You will also remember that Herbert is the one with the glass eye and the overbite. You will be able to recite all of these facts at the drop of a name.

You will also listen and remember vital facts about her such as her birth date, age, favorite color, and dress, slacks and shoe sizes. In the event that you are deep in hostile territory in the women’s section of a department store and she picks up a garment that is numerically smaller than her actual, physical size you will temporarily forget her size and agree with her that she would look lovely in that dress. If you are asked if the outfit makes her posterior look big, you will not answer honestly. If necessary, you will feign sudden-onset deafness, blindness or both to avoid answering the question.

At the end of this boot camp, you will be awarded one standard-issue marriage license. Use it well and make me proud.

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