Please Follow All Instructions Carefully

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This past weekend my wife and I decided to replace our counter-top microwave with an over-the-stove model. We had three good reasons; 1) the old microwave no longer worked, 2) we wanted to reclaim our counter space, and 3) we were idiots.

When we bought the microwave at the local Buy More, the polo-shirted sales guy offered to sell us an installation contract as well. I shrugged him off. The box said it had installation instructions. How hard could it be? The sales guy just gave me a look that said, “You’ll be back. They all come crawling back.”

He might have been on to something. The instructions were written in a language which resembled English, but somewhere along the line the manual had been shaken violently and all of the words had changed places. For example, I had to puzzle out the meaning of this complex sentence; “If the cabinets are not plumb, adjust the mounting plates to the cabinets.” To my way of thinking, some of the words had been lost in shipping and I was left feeling unfulfilled and anxious, like at the end of The Empire Strikes Back. What if I couldn’t adjust the plates? What if the cabinet was plumb? Would Han Solo be rescued?

The parts of the instruction book that actually made sense had a vaguely threatening tone. The first warning read, “Proper installation is the installer’s responsibility.” Another said, “You will need TWO people to install this oven.” The most frightening, “Abandon all hope ye who enter here.” Scattered among the pages were warnings about property damage, personal injury, or the possibility of tearing a rip in the fabric of time and space if you didn’t follow every word on every page exactly right.

The instructions also had a lot to say about the quantity and size of mounting holes I had to drill in the walls and cabinets. Before I finished the job, our kitchen looked like Al Capone and had dropped by to redecorate the place with a Tommy Gun. In particular, the overhead cabinet had been ventilated several times as I attempted to get the mounting screws to align with the threaded holes on top of the microwave. The manufacturer had thoughtfully provided a paper template which, if used as directed, guaranteed that my holes would be about an inch too far to the right. Frustrated, I started drilling like a petroleum company prospecting for oil; putting holes in the cabinet and peering through with a flashlight for the telltale glint of metal.

It was about then that I realized the installation contract would have been a good idea. Except it was too late. If I paid for installation now, somebody else would inspect what I had done and they’d realize I hadn’t carefully followed all instructions. The sad truth is, I’m not especially good at following instructions.

Like a lot of guys, I tend to think of instructions kind of the way I think about the Coast Guard; as little as possible unless I’m in serious trouble. Think about it, the Coast Guard rescues people who are drowning and guys only ever turn to instructions when they’re in over their heads. Sometimes, though, it pays to read the instructions carefully before you begin.

Like when you are trying to claim a rebate on some purchase. In theory, it’s a simple transaction. You buy something expensive and the manufacturer is so thrilled they send you some money as a way of saying “thank-you”. Except, to get this appreciation from them, you have to follow a series of instructions which appear to be the unfortunate result of a genetic accident involving a tax form, a deposit slip, and a scrap-booking project.

Claiming your money involves cutting certain, highly-specific bar codes off certain highly-specific places on the packaging and mailing them to certain highly-specific addresses. Fail in any one of these steps and the company will penalize you by keeping all of the money you gave them. Get it all right and in six-to-eight weeks (allow additional time for delivery to Alaska and Hawaii) you’ll get back some small part of your original cash. Weirdly, you’ll feel genuine gratitude toward the company.

Sometimes, failing to follow instructions can have serious consequences, like when you’re taking your medication. Every time I pick up medicine from the pharmacy, it comes with a page of densely written warnings and instructions. The text is so small that it becomes a uniform gray blur except for the big red letters at the top that read, “WARNING: FOLLOW ALL INSTRUCTIONS CAREFULLY”.

Embedded in the barely-readable text are fun phrases like “difficulty swallowing” and “painful, but non-fatal condition” and “make certain your affairs are in order.” Without the aid of a scanning electron microscope, it’s impossible to make out the rest of the text so I have to resort for following the instructions on the pill bottles and hope for the best.

Although less-frequently fatal when misapplied, the directions in recipes can be tough to follow. They tend to be written by people who assume the reader has a certain familiarity with cooking. I don’t, so I always struggle with things like: “remove the plastic covering over the brownie before microwaving on high for three-and-a-half minutes.” (Aside: Our need for a new microwave was can be traced directly to an incident involving a butternut squash and a recipe which failed to include the words “slice the squash in half”.)

The worst instructions, though, have to be the ones you find in new electronic equipment. My new network card came with mutually-contradictory sets of installation instructions. One said to install the software first; the other said to start with the card. The outside of the box gave no clue as to which was correct. I made my best guess. When I plugged it into the router it worked, but only because I used a Schrodinger’s Cat-5 cable.

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Tags: guys, home repair