According to Mr. Tovey, my high school biology teacher, the human body is controlled by a complex set of interconnected organs called glands. For example, you have the adrenal glands; small, timid, and easily frightened organs that panic at the first sign of trouble. Imagine that you’re sitting quietly, letting your mind wander and maybe dozing a bit. Ever vigilant, your adrenal glands are scanning the environment for potential threats like someone else in the meeting asking for your opinion on the Colossus Project. You, personally, would like to handle this calmly and professionally, by raising a single eyebrow as if to say, What do you think I think?
No such luck. Your adrenal glands are squirting adrenaline on all of your other organs like a fireman hosing down a burning factory. Those other organs — which had been dozing right along with you — jump up and start freaking out. Your heart, lungs and sweat glands all race out of control and the best you can manage is a shouted, “WHAT DO YOU THINK I THINK?”
This gives everyone in the room the impression that you are a paranoid, raving lunatic and your adrenal gland can rest easy knowing that it has once again saved you from the danger of earning a promotion.
Mr. Tovey also taught me about some of the other glands including the hypothalamus, pancreas, thyroid, parathyroid, pseudothyroid, aspiring thyroid, and hopeful thyroid. These glands produce chemicals called hormones which regulate bodily functions. At least I think that’s what Mr. Tovey said.
Candidly, my own hormones were far more interested in the perfume of the girl in the next desk. I would have believed anything Mr. Tovey said, even if he had claimed that hormones were responsible for global warming (which might have been true in my case) or the rise in automobile accidents (again, probably true in my case) or the alarming decline in achievement scores among secondary school students (again … well, you know). What Mr. Tovey failed to teach us about — at least as far as I remember — was the important role played by the medically-unrecognized, imaginary glands.
The most active of these is the guilt gland. Its function is to regulate the ego by constantly reminding you that you aren’t nearly as cool as you think. It is most active at night when the house is quiet and it can have your full attention. The instant you close your eyes, it starts in.
Look, I know you had a hard day and all, but I really think we need to go back over the highlights. Or maybe lowlights ’cause, let’s face it, today was NOT a red-letter day for you. You do remember the incident with the coffee pot this morning, don’t you? I don’t think those stains will ever come out of your shirt and I’m pretty sure that the cup you broke was your wife’s VERY favorite. After all, just how many promotional cups do you think pharmaceutical companies hand out?
And things didn’t get much better at work today, did they? It was nearly noon before you sent your boss the TPS Report and then you used the wrong cover sheet.
On the way home you weren’t paying attention and you nearly ran over that bicyclist. The fact that he was in the middle of a race and was wearing a bright yellow jersey should have clued you in. I’ll bet he’ll call the cops. In fact, I bet he already called them and they’re surrounding the house right now and they’re ready to come in and get you.
The guilt gland can go on like this all night, carefully reviewing each and every action and decision you made during the day and criticizing them all. If only there were an imaginary gland which looked to the future, instead of the past.
Fortunately, there is.
It’s called the worry gland. The worry gland rehearses everything that you’re going to do wrong. For most people, the worry gland begins to develop in Junior High School, right around the time boy/girl dancing is introduced into the curriculum. Young people under the influence of the worry gland are easy to spot. They begin showing an interest in things like fashion, hair products and hygiene.
As we grow up, the worry gland finds more and more things to worry about; the economy, our children, our future, the future of the economy, the future of our children, the future of our children’s economy, and whether or not we’ll anyone will tell us next time we have broccoli stuck in our teeth. The worry and guilt glands reinforce each other and practically guarantee that you’ll never again have a good night’s sleep.
Some imaginary glands aren’t so bad; like the fashion gland. This controls the way people present themselves to the world. If you see a three-hundred-pound guy wearing striped shorts, flip-flops, and a Hawaiian shirt, he’s pretty much hit the differential diagnosis for a malfunctioning fashion gland. A two-thousand dollar Italian suit and five-hundred dollar shoes point to a hyperactive fashion gland and an excess of disposable cash.
The most dangerous imaginary gland of all is the idiot gland; which seems particularly active in men. Once the idiot gland really gets going, effects can range from small-scale stupidity to a full-on moron attack. The idiot gland suppresses intelligence and other safety-oriented organs like the adrenal glands. A man under the influence of the idiot gland is likely to engage in risky behavior such as rock climbing, mountain biking or flirting with waitresses when out to dinner with his wife.
In all of his lectures, Mr. Tovey never once talked about the imaginary glands. Not that it would have made a difference if he had. I’d never have heard him over my idiot gland which was telling me that the girl with the perfume desperately wanted to hear about my favorite episode of Star Trek.
