From what I can see there are two ways to become insanely wealthy as a writer; pen a best-selling novel or publish a business advice book.
These days most best-selling novels deal with globe-and-time-spanning conspiracies, or dueling magicians, or failing marriages, or dueling marriages and failing conspiracies, or failing magicians and dueling conspiracies. I don’t think I have it in me to write one of these.
I have, however, figured out the formula for business books.
There are lots of business books with titles like Who Moulded My Cheese, Seven Habits of Highly Eclectic People, The Eighth Habitat (A book about the rainforest), and a whole sub-genre based on the leadership tricks of great historical and fictional figures. You can learn the keys to power from geniuses and humanitarians like Donald Trump, Attila the Hun, the Sopranos, the Simpsons, the Marquis de Sade, Torquemada, and Voldemort.
All of these books follow the same simple formula.
They’re short, with few pages and big print. I think this is because they’re meant to be read on airplanes by business travelers who feel guilty about not actually working while in flight. If Dr. Suess had written a business book – say, Horton Hears a Merger – he’d have had a runaway hit on hands.
They have some kind of clever hook. There are business books about mice and cheese, flying fish, and managing people one minute at a time.
They also promise immediate results. Face it, most people already know what they should do to succeed; they’re just looking for a magic formula that shortcuts the hard work and gets right to the success.
Of course, since they already know what to do the advice in the book should be blindingly obvious to anyone with half a brain.
Fortunately, I personally have at least half a brain so I’m qualified to write a business book – obvious, simple, clever, and short enough to fit in the remainder of this essay.
The Forest Critters’ Guide to Dominating the Business World
Once upon a time two fuzzy forest friends – Mac the Muskrat and Charlene the Chipmunk – graduated with MBAs from the Squirrel Nutkin School of Business. They’d each done internships with Sylvan Glade, Incorporated so it made sense that they took jobs there. SGI was the largest employer in the happy forest; hiring critters as nut gatherers, clearing cleaners, nest featherers and merger and acquisition specialists.
Mac looked over the company and thought, “One day I’m gonna own this place.”
Mac’s Business Principle #1: Think Big
Charlene worked hard at her job in Acorn Acquisition, staying late, and sharing the credit for everything she accomplished. Mac didn’t work hard, took credit for the work of others, blamed them for his mistakes, and eventually got Charlene transferred to a job as a decoy in the Eagle’s Nest Raiding Division.
Charlene was very disappointed, but she kept a cheerful attitude and didn’t blame Mac.
Charlene’s Business Principle #1: Work hard and be nice.
Through clever perception management, hard work, and a long weekend spent hacking company personnel records, Mac managed to become CEO. Officially the old CEO retired, but everyone believed that he’d been caught embezzling from the company berry fund. This wasn’t true, of course, but with what Mac had done with the computer nobody could prove otherwise.
Mac’s Business Principle #2: Never Leave A Paper Trail.
Mac’s ruthlessness was soon known throughout the company. As word about Mac spread, other creatures refused to work with him. They complained about him to Charlene, but she stuck to her job and kept her thoughts to herself.
Charlene’s Business Principle #2: Work hard and be nice.
Now that Mac was in charge he started to worry. What if somebody just like him was coming up through the ranks? He had to find a way to keep everyone busy and out of trouble. So he called meetings. Every hour of every day they had committee meetings, sub-committee meetings, steering committee meetings, executive committee meetings, committee planning committee meetings, committee alignment committee meetings, and meeting planning meetings. Mac didn’t feel safe until he had everyone chasing their tails all the time.
Mac’s Business Principles #3: Keep Them Busy So They Can’t Plot Against You.
Charlene was as busy as everyone, but she never complained and did everything that was asked of her.
Charlene’s Business Principle #3: Work hard and be nice.
Everyone was so busy with meetings that they couldn’t get anything done. Soon the nuts weren’t being gathered, the clearings weren’t getting cleaned and there were no more mergers or acquisitions. The stockholders got upset. So Mac issued a press release stating that all of the company’s energy had been absorbed by the difficulties involved in complying with new federal pine cone tax regulations and once that was sorted out they’d be back to full production in no time.
Mac’s Business Principle #4: When You’re Really In Trouble Lie.
The stockholders didn’t buy Mac’s explanation and with one quick “No Confidence” vote he was out of the CEO’s seat. Several people suggested that Charlene would be a good replacement and the Board agreed.
She thought long and hard about what to about Mac. She was tempted to put him in her old job raiding eagle’s nests. Only she knew he wasn’t clever enough to survive. In the end she did the only humane thing and created a Business Consulting Division and made Mac the manager and only employee. It kept him out of harm’s way and bought a surprising amount of money into the company.
Charlene’s Business Principle #4: Work hard and be nice.
Okay, that’s it. Let me go over the checklist. Short? Check! Hook? Check! Promises quick results? Not really, but we can take care of that with a cover blurb. Obvious? Check!
Now, if someone can direct me to an interested publisher, I’ll start planning ways to spend my royalties!
